1. Have many sexual partners have you had?
Um... I lost count after high school... That was six years ago.

2. How old were you your first time? How old are you now?
11, 22.

3. Are you male or female?
Depends. :)

4. Favorite place you ever had sex?
In the back of a school bus.

5. Hair... down there: Are you trimmed, completely bare or au natural?
I'm shaved from the waist down.

6. What is your favourite sexual fantasy that you would like to live out?
There are so freaking many, and I talk about them on here all the time.

7. What is your favourite sexual fantasy that's better just 'left in the vault?'
I don't know, I think I could at least try all of them.

8. How often do you masturbate?
Once a day at least.

9. Do you prefer internal or external stimulation?
I enjoy any stimulation.

10. Do you use anything to help?
My imagination, and any messages or chats people choose to have with me.

11. Do you get enough foreplay?
I don't remember, it's been too long.

12. Do you get enough oral sex?
I think if you took the enough out and repeated the question, it'd still be no.

13. Whats your favourite position? Least fav?
I like anything where penetration isn't an awkward puzzle.

14. Have you ever had a one-night stand?
Many many many, darling.

15. Have you ever faked?
Actually yes.

16. Do you enjoy pornography?
Very much so, especially extremely fetishy stuff.

17. Have you ever thought about doing anything sexual with a member of the same sex? Have you?
Yes, especially recently. But only once, about five years ago unfortunately.

18. Whats the one thing that turns you on that you've never told your SO?
N/a

19. Have you ever had anal sex? Would you ever? Do you like it?
Yes, both ways. Didn't enjoy giving a whole lot, for I haven't found anyone who could handle me more than once. The other way around? Oh yes.

20. Ever been tied up?
Yes, but I don't care for it too much. Claustrophobic. Plus, issues with being scared of past abuses.

21. Is your current SO the best lover you have ever had? Why or why not?
N/a

Well, due to some wonderful circumstances, I've got a week to come up with a pretty large sum of money, or I'm going to jail for 20 days. Isn't that wonderful?

So, what's happened in the last few weeks?

-I was suspended from work for a week for writing a blog on MySpace about something at work that pissed me off. Stupidest thing in the history of my life. I lost a week's worth of pay because I was pissed that they called me a clown when I work my ass off and those other fucking teenagers slack off and call off constantly. I didn't mention the name of the store or anyone who works there, and my MySpace is private, yet still... DUMBEST... SHIT... EVER.

-Speaking of work, I was hit on by a black guy who asked me for his number. That was a first. Also the first time someone taller than me has been interested. It's a rarity that anyone's taller than me at all, so that's probably part of it. I'm 6'3 and he's got a few inches on me. He's got a really pretty feminine voice and seems like a nice guy. Hasn't called me in the two weeks since I gave him my number though. What is with this? Both of the guys I've tried to develop a connection with must just think I'm a good idea at the time, and then just slip their minds.

-With all the new discoveries about myself, I still have yet to actually try any of them out. My mind is overblown with fantasies but I don't even know if I like them or not. That irritates me.

-I've gotten more comfortable with wearing my girl clothes in public. Sad thing is, most people don't even notice. I need to be a little more obvious. Maybe get some jeans that flare out more and have sparklies on the butt or something.

This is the only place my libido exists anymore.

The world around me must just find me useless.

By request... Tighter pants :)

( SFW )

Pics in my new girl pants... and other things :)

( SFW )

I'm wearing pink bikini underwear under my new black flares.

And nobody wants to play with me :(

I was trying to think of a way to give back to you all for being so good to me.

I bought my first few pairs of girl pants, and I got some girl underwear.

I thought maybe I'd start to model it for you.

If there would be any requests, or if you wanted to send me anything to wear, I'd be happy to do it for you.

Any thoughts?

Ever since, shall we say, my confession... a little while ago, my life has been filled with all kinds of thoughts and emotions that I really don't understand.

For those who only check my journal for sexual entries, this is not one of them. This time I'm writing as a person for the true purpose of a journal : because I need to get something out to a group of people who aren't going to judge me for what I say.

I've shared a lot about myself that many people close to me don't know. The more I've begun to accept myself and not close certain feelings and emotions out, the longer I realize I've been doing it. I recall a conversation with my mother when I was about 14. I was bleeding because I was shaving my legs with a dull razor. I'd been shaving my legs for a few months, but they hadn't noticed until I walked down to the kitchen with bloody socks. My mother sat me down in the living room, and being a counselor, initiated a mothering conversation of "do you need to tell me anything?"

My mother told me that I exhibited many of the signs of a homosexual. This wasn't the first time she'd told me. Before, she'd had me go to dinner with a lesbian co-worker, as sort of a mentor kinda thing, because she believed it would help me come to terms with what she assumed was true.

I think it was these assumptions that caused the denial and close out of these feelings. It's weird, many deny themselves because of religion or knowing their parents would disown them... Mine was the opposite. I'd been called "fag" before I even knew what it meant, so I think I distanced myself from these feelings because it seemed like everyone, even my own parents, were expecting it.

When I moved out on my own, as the girl I was dating at the time so fondly recalls, it's when I really began to "blossom". Sure, in high school in addition to shaving my legs, I let the girls put make-up on me on a nearly consistent basis, but once on my own and away from my parents, I began to buy some girls' underwear, and eventually full outfits. I was 18 when I went out as Marissa for the first time, and it was a pretty regular thing for awhile.

At that time, a boy named Travys helped me with outfits, make-up, and bought me my first pair of boots. Travys is now a woman, but at the time, was a gorgeous blonde-haired... Just absolutely beautiful, and all the girls wanted him. However, his interest lied somewhere unexpected... Me. I couldn't help but notice that I craved to spend time around him, but could never think of anything to say when I was. I chalked it up to not having anything in common, but really I think I was so attracted to him that it was leaving me speechless. One time he came over, and at one point just grabbed me and started kissing me full on. I was really scared, but I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. I was still confused about myself. He wanted to be my boyfriend, and I was so torn inside. Being his boyfriend would mean admitting things I wasn't ready to, things I was still denying. But when he kissed me goodbye, it felt right, strangely. To this day, I wish I could go back feeling what I do now and relive those moments and see what would've happened.

The next girl I dated loved to dress me up, and she played into all my Rissa fantasies and desires. Even the girl I dated before her, aforementioned, said that's when it was really in full-swing. Saw my strap-ons and knew there was no way they were for her... although actually they were for her... to use on me.

Then came what she believes made me crawl back into my shell and not emerge again until recently. Since this happened, I haven't done full drag, and haven't worn makeup outside of shows since this happened. I was working for a manager who was full gay and about fifty years old. Long story short, he scared the hell out of me and sexually assaulted me at work. I think it scared me so much that I buried anything I'd blossomed into until that point.

Now that these feelings have returned and I just can't deny them anymore, the select people I've told outside of here have had the same response... "Yeah, we always knew. We were just waiting for you to figure it out."

That still brings the total amount of boys I've ever crushed on to a whopping two. I'm still really confused, I'm a weird flood of emotions, and I don't know what to make of it all. The second boy on whom I've been crushing blew me off tonight, and I can't believe I'm so upset about it. Nothing even happened, y'know?

Though another strange thing, now I want to go out and get clothes to start dressing more like I've always wanted to... Bell bottoms, silky shirts, tight shirts, stuff like that. Girly but not flamboyantly, you know? I also think I'll start wearing eye-makeup again, just because I like it. It'll be strange for some people I know, but overall, I think a majority of people I'm genuinely friends with, like those I've already told, will just shrug it off and not even be fazed by it.

I'm just so utterly confused right now, and I don't know what to do. Am I bi? Am I bi-curious? Hell, one person said I've been acting... gay. I'm still attracted to women, but this is what's been on my mind recently. Probably because it's new? I don't know... I give up trying to figure it out.

The boy blew me off tonight :( Didn't call or anything.

Sad Rissa.